Unless you and your guy got together back in junior high (and stayed together all these years), you both have other people in your past. I know, it can be NO FUN AT ALL to think about the women in his past. Women he fell in love with, women he slept with, women he had pet names for, etc. etc. etc.
Chances are there is one woman from his past that reaaallllly gets under your skin, too. Just the mention of her name makes the hair on your arms stand on end. It’s possible she may even be a woman he had unrequited love for… someone who never even returned his affections in the least. But you worry he still secretly carries a torch for her.
You can practically turn yourself into a neon green she-beast frothing at the mouth with jealousy just thinking about her for five minutes.
It’s normal to feel twinges of jealousy from time to time. Some even say a tiny bit of jealousy is healthy… or at least it tells you that you are invested in your relationship. But how do you know when a twinge crosses the line to toxic?
I think it’s helpful to understand WHY we feel jealous.
Humans are programmed to compare and contrast ourselves against other people. This is born from our need to understand our surroundings and know whether someone is friend or foe. Women have a tendency to do this to a greater degree than men do. We generally have the ability to read between the lines, assess body language, and employ intuition.
Where this habit goes haywire is when we compare ourselves to someone from a place of insecurity. Like an ex.
Even if you are very secure in your relationship, chances are you’ve scrutinized photos of the women in his past. Maybe you are even guilty of doing some Facebook stalking (hey, we ALL do it). Is she strikingly pretty? If she’s a super model, does that mean he secretly wishes you were as attractive? If she’s not attractive, does that mean he likes ugly women? And does that mean you are (gulp!) unattractive?
From there you go down the rabbit hole of unhealthy comparisons… Is she taller, shorter, thinner, heavier, classier, or trashier? Is she smarter, wittier, more successful than you? Is she sexier? Are her boobs bigger? What about cellulite, does she have that? It can become an exhausting exercise to determine exactly how you stack up against her.
And as crazy as these thoughts sound, it’s the kind of stuff that runs through our minds when checking out an ex girlfriend.
To what degree you compare yourself to his ex can depend on how you are feeling about yourself and how you are feeling about the relationship.
On good days, you confidently know she’s in the past for a reason. But on those bloated-icky-just-had-a-fight days, she may seem like a specter looming in the shadows ready to pounce on your guy and steal him away.
Side note: Nobody can “steal” another person away. It’s a lie we tell ourselves to place blame for a relationship going awry on an outside source. Sure, another person can influence a situation, but we are all grownups and we all exercise free will. If a person leaves a relationship to be with someone else, either there was trouble in the first relationship or they are a philandering fool looking for the thrill of something new. Bottom line, they weren’t “stolen.” But I digress…
Basically, jealousy stems from insecurity and fear.
- Insecurity about yourself
- Not feeling 100% sure about his love for you
- Fear that you don’t measure up
- Fear of rejection or heartbreak
- Fear of being alone so you desperately cling to him
Fear and insecurity are two powerful forces — forces that can cause an otherwise sane, smart, and confident woman to appear to be batshit crazy.
And I will tell you this, acting like the classic “jealous psycho” will not endear you to him. It will repel him and cause him to think about running far away. If the situation were reversed, you’d feel the same way. Jealousy is never attractive.
You aren’t that kind of woman. So let’s stop acting that way.
Three steps to stop jealousy
Like I said before, a tiny twinge of jealousy here and there is normal and not that big of a deal. But if you habitually throw yourself down the rabbit hole of envy, here are some tips to get you to knock it off!
1. Stop stalking her online
Whether it’s Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or any other place you’ve found her online… you need to stop clicking! Putting energy into checking up on her is NOT productive. When you catch yourself wanting to click on her profile, stop. Go do something that actually benefits you and your relationship. Tidy up a closet. Work out. Send your sweetie a love note. Take a 10-minute meditation break. Whatever you can focus on that isn’t her.
2. Stop mentally comparing yourself to her
I don’t care if you are building her up as Sexiest Ex on the Planet while bemoaning all of your faults or tearing her down to make yourself feel better, comparing yourself to someone in his past is toxic. You are you, and she is who she is. As Dr. Seuss says “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Just focus on being the best version of yourself.
3. Trust that there is a reason she’s an ex
This is the most important step…and the hardest. But a person in the past is there for a reason. There may have been huge incompatibilities. Life goals might not have been in sync. One person may have had too many deal-breaker character quirks. It could even have been a case of awful timing. The thing to focus on is that he is now in a relationship with YOU. Both of your past relationship break-ups are what brought you to each other. For inspiration, you can cue up your iPod and play Rascal Flatt’s Bless the Broken Road. I’m not even a country fan and I like that song.
What if HE has a case of being a Green-Eyed Monster?
If he is the one who is jealous of a guy from your past, there are a couple of things you can do.
1. Have him read this
The advice here applies to men just the same (except the part about comparing boobs, ha!). Helping him understand why he feels those jealous feelings is a start.
2. Have compassion
Knowing that his jealousy stems from insecurity helps you to remain loving rather than defensive. I’ve been in the situation where a boyfriend was supremely jealous, and it really sucked feeling like I was constantly having to prove myself to him. However, building his confidence up about our relationship was a healthy distraction for us both.
Know when to draw the line
Jealousy is NEVER an excuse to exhibit controlling behaviors. A healthy relationship needs a strong foundation of trust. Here are some signs that the insecurity has gone too far…
1. Limiting social interactions.
Forbidding your partner to go certain places or spend time apart from you is not okay. Two people cannot be joined at the hip 100% of the time.
2. Violating privacy.
Checking phones, secretly logging into social media accounts, reading emails… these are dangerously toxic behaviors.
3. Berating, accusing, or unnecessary interrogations.
It is one thing if you genuinely have reason to suspect infidelity. But if you regularly interrogate your partner about someone from his past for no reason than your own insecurity, you are taking it too far.
A relationship can’t survive under this kind of constant unnecessary pressure. And you should not have to deal with a partner who tries to control you, who violates your privacy, or who makes you constantly prove yourself to them.
