I mentioned it before, how what we were taught when we were growing up about sex can have a wide range of effects in our relationships.
In America, women have been taught from a young age that we need to be feminine but not “too” sexy. Because being viewed as “easy” or slutty is pretty much the worst thing possible.
Most religions teach that sex before marriage is wrong. Yet, there isn’t a lot of time spent teaching techniques so that sex is pleasurable once married.
In some religions, sex for any other reason than procreation is forbidden. Enjoying sex is not part of the discussion at all.
Also, some religions enforce the idea that a wife cannot say no to her husband. She must submit to his sexual appetites with no regard to her own desires.
I’m not arguing religion here, and I’m not trying to say that someone’s deeply held beliefs are wrong. What I am going to talk about is what to do when what you were taught is at odds with what you want in your relationship.
Basically we are going to cover how to stop letting teachings from your past inhibit your enjoyment of sex and sensuality.
Personal Evaluation
Because I want this to be personally meaningful for you, you are going to have to do some of the work, here. I don’t know what belief systems you were taught, nor do I know which ones you’d like to break free from.
Instead, I’ve put together a quiz to get you thinking. If you and your partner are at odds based on your belief systems, do this evaluation together. Each of you can grab a notebook or place to write your individual answers.
- Religion figured prominently in my upbringing very much somewhat not at all
- How sexually conservative is my religion? very much somewhat not at all
- I was taught by my parents that sex was bad/shameful very much somewhat not at all
- I am afraid of being judged for my sexuality very much somewhat not at all
- How comfortable do I feel expressing my sexuality? very much somewhat not at all
- How comfortable do I feel talking about my sexual desires? very much somewhat not at all
- Do I feel shame or guilt for enjoying sex? very much somewhat not at all
- Do I feel shame or guilt for experiencing sexual pleasure? very much somewhat not at all
- I have sexual fantasies that make me feel shame or guilt very much somewhat not at all
- I want to feel sexy very much somewhat not at all
- I am afraid my partner will judge me for desiring sex very much somewhat not at all
- I pretend to not enjoy sex very much somewhat not at all
- I pretend to enjoy sex more than I actually do very much somewhat not at all
- What specific things were you taught to believe about sex that you question now or no longer believe at all?
Take a look at your answers and get a sense of what it is that you want to change about how you enjoy your sex life. Nothing here is right or wrong, and most people find they fall at varying places on the spectrum. Much of this is about mindset more than it is about specific sexual acts — giving yourself permission to feel the way YOU want to about sex rather than how someone said you had to feel about sex.
Finding common ground with your partner
Not only can we face our own personal obstacles when it comes to our beliefs about sex, but it becomes a two-fold problem when our partner’s views on sex differ from ours.
I know, I know. You are sick of hearing me talk about boundaries. But this is another example of when they need to be discussed. If one of you is more liberal, it may seem like you just need to push your partner to be more adventurous. And while I do encourage suggesting creative ideas all through Language of Desire, it is imperative to not purposely force someone to do something they are uncomfortable with.
Talk about where your boundaries match up and where they are different. From there, you can discuss ideas that are mutually agreeable.
For example, if you are the adventurous one and he’s very conservative… Talk about things he finds desirable and focus your efforts there. Does he like a certain style of lingerie? Is there a secret erogenous zone on his body that you can kiss or massage?
If you are the conservative one and he’s adventurous… Tell him one of your fantasies, even it seems really tame or modest. Give him the details and share how he can make you feel totally turned on. It’s okay if it’s something as simple as making love by candlelight. For some women, the idea of anything except a pitch dark room is risqué. It’s okay to take baby steps.
Outside of the bedroom, I recommend having conversations about how your upbringing shaped your views on sex. Sometimes hearing where someone is coming from gives a lot of insight. Also, for some people, just talking through WHY they think a certain way about sex can help them evolve and expand their point of view.
Affirmations to embrace your sexuality
As you know, I’m a believer in the power of affirmations. One way to mentally make the leap to a new mindset is to act like you are already there. Affirmations serve this purpose well.
I’ve already told you how the power of our inner thoughts is tremendous. Some people believe that our inner thoughts are what shape our reality. And while you don’t have to believe me 100%, just do the exercise and see for yourself.
Read these phrases, out loud, if possible.
- I am a sexually confident and beautiful woman.
- I feel free to express my sexuality.
- I am in touch with my sexual desires.
- Sex is an expression of love.
- I am free to enjoy sexual pleasure.
- I let go of any sexual insecurities I may have.
- I celebrate my sexuality.
Now, read them again. Next, write them down in your journal.
Now, I want you to refer back to your personal evaluation from above. Some affirmations you might use to change your beliefs could be…
- I decide how sexy I want to feel.
- Enjoying sex is not shameful.
- My upbringing does not define my sexual beliefs.
- It’s okay to explore my sexual desires.
And feel free to add in your own! The more you say these affirmations to yourself, the more you will change your mindset and establish new beliefs about sex.
