I believe that what happens in our sex lives is connected to what is happening outside of our sex lives, too. And sometimes when you aren’t feeling hot for your man it could have nothing to do with his technique in bed and everything to do with him forgetting to take the recycling out to the curb on recycling week.
Or it could have EVERYTHING to do with his technique. Maybe he’s too rough with his fingers and he’s chafing your sensitive lady bits. Perhaps he seems a bit too focused on his reaching the finish line and he’s forgetting to make sure you got there, too.
No matter the reason, these uncomfortable situations can be difficult to bring up.
You don’t want to hurt his feelings. You don’t want to pick a fight.
So you try to just let it go… except those little annoyances stick around.
And they eat at you…
And you get irritated…
And it builds resentment…
And repressed resentment causes big problems. 12,000 lbs. elephant problems.
Yes, I realize I mixed my metaphors, but that elephant in the room can be mighty. So there.
Once you’ve recognized that there is an elephant in your bedroom… a truth that is there but nobody is talking about it… you need to take action. The way I see it, you have two choices: discuss it or choose to let it go.
Broaching delicate subjects
When bringing up something potentially sensitive, it’s important to take care in both how and where you have the conversation.
1. Think before you speak
Before you bring up the topic, it’s good to be really clear on how you feel. You might be upset or annoyed, yet you may not understand why or even what resolution you want to see happen. Take a few minutes to think through these questions:
- What is at the root of what’s bothering me? For instance, it might be that he forgot to do a chore. But the root of that is that by him forgetting, you feel unimportant or taken for granted.
- Have I felt this way before? In what circumstance? Is this a long-standing pattern or an isolated incident?
- Do I think this was intentional, or am I just perceiving it that way? Try and release some of the emotional energy.
- How can this be fixed? What is the change I’d like to see?
- What ways am I willing to compromise, here?
2. Schedule the time and place
Make sure you have enough time to have a lengthy conversation. Casually bringing up a loaded topic right before you have to leave for work isn’t a great choice. Or talking about it on the way to a family gathering is another bad idea. It may seem ominous to actually schedule a time to talk… nobody jumps for joy at the words “we need to talk,” but it’s a good idea to thoughtfully choose a time when you both can be focused without distractions.
Choosing a neutral location and circumstance is a must. A neutral location might be a different room in the house. It could be while driving in the car. It might even be while you are at work over the phone.
3. Use calm language
Words like always and never put someone on the defensive. Eliminate them from your conversation. Because they simply aren’t true — someone doesn’t ALWAYS or NEVER do something. Also, frame your points from the standpoint of how you feel. “When this happens, this is how I feel,” is perfect.
If things get heated or emotional, you can always take a breather. Grab a glass of water or even take a few minutes apart to collect your thoughts, then come back to the conversation.
4. Validate feelings
Even if you are the one who is hurt or angry, understand that your partner might have feelings on the topic, too. He could have his own interpretation of the situation. And his feelings are valid.
Actively listen to what he shares and clarify what you’ve heard. Saying things like, “It sounds like you feel like _____” or “I understand and hear that you are feeling frustrated/sad/angry” helps to eliminate misunderstandings.
Deciding to TRULY let it go
Sure, the song from Frozen makes it sound easy, but if you’ve ever tried to “let it go,” you know it’s much easier said than done.
Truly choosing to let an annoyance go means that you must actively process the emotions around it and then work to refocus your thoughts. Ignoring it or repressing it doesn’t work.
The big questions to ask yourself are:
- Am I feeling the need to be right, or is keeping the peace more important?
- In the big picture, how important is this issue? And am I approaching it from the same level emotionally?
- Will this affect my life or relationship in a major way in one week? one month? one year?
If you’ve decided that you want to get over it without bringing it up to your partner and let it go, here is a way to do that…
1. Write down the issue or resentment.
2. Write down how it makes you feel. Dig deep and really think about all the emotions coming up. Like in the forgotten chore example, you might feel frustrated and angry, but deeper down you may feel unimportant or taken for granted. Sometimes your feelings won’t make sense, and that’s okay. Just be honest and write them down.
3. List how this issue affects your life and relationship.
4. Write down what part you’ve played in the issue. This is the hardest but most important step. Being willing to admit the part you’ve played in the situation is HUGE. The only thing we are ultimately responsible for is our own actions and our own reactions to situations. Trying to be objective about how we’ve contributed to a problem goes a long way to diffusing the emotions surrounding it.
Once you’ve unpacked the issue in this manner, you will likely find that your perspective has shifted. Some of that anger and resentment has been washed away, at least somewhat.
To continue the process, make the conscious decision to no longer dwell on the issue. When you find yourself wanting to retell the story and get emotionally charged up about how you were wronged or why you are upset, simply stop and redirect your thoughts. This isn’t to repress the issue or feelings. When you’ve done some of the emotional processing of letting go, retelling the story can bring you right back to that place of resentment. It’s counterproductive.
Instead, acknowledge your true feelings without solely focusing on what the other person did to you. Remind yourself of how you played a part in the situation and think of how you will do things differently in the future, and you will be on your way to really letting it go!
