Whether it be erectile dysfunction, pain during intercourse, or another health situation that changes how you can “do it,” at some point in your relationship, you will come face to face with a physical limitation that will interrupt your sex life.
I shared a personal story in Language of Desire about how a female medical issue prevented me from having intercourse during a romantic getaway… and how I ended up turning it into one of my favorite sexy games (the Invisible Chastity Belt).
The most important thing to do in this type of situation is to remain open to creative ideas. Rather than focus on what you CAN’T do, focus on what you CAN do. Remember, sex encompasses sooooo much more than just intercourse!
The second most important thing to do is to not blame your partner or yourself. We are human. And sometimes our bodies betray us. It happens. Remaining compassionate and loving is imperative.
First, a little bit of health-related housekeeping.
If erectile dysfunction (ED) is the culprit, take some time to examine the factors at play. For some men, healthy diet and monitoring alcoholic consumption can solve the problem. ED can also be related to stress, so things like regular exercise, massage, and meditation can be good stress relief. And remember ED can be a signal of an underlying health issue. If a change in diet and stress level doesn’t solve the problem, make an appointment to see your physician!
If you are a woman who experiences painful intercourse, there are a few things to try out. As we age, our vagina’s self-lubricating function can go a little haywire. Sometimes the pain can be eliminated by using a good quality personal lubricant during sex. Also, certain positions might be the issue — especially if your partner is well-endowed. If the pain is persistent, make sure to make a visit to your gynecologist. A whole host of female problems (from inconvenient to serious) can attribute to pain during intercourse.
How to overcome and triumph despite obstacles
1. Focusing on the CAN
Our bodies have many erogenous zones, and just because one “part” is out of commission, there are still tons of feel-good options available on your sexual menu.
- Fully body massage
- Hot, extended make-out sessions
- Breast/nipple stimulation
- Oral sex
- Hand-to-genital stimulation
- …and the biggest erogenous zone: THE MIND!
Remember, you can seduce your partner and have him feeling like the sexiest man on the planet just by using his vivid imagination to your advantage. All throughout Language of Desire, you learned a multitude of techniques that make love to his brain.
Some of the ones you definitely should employ when facing a health-related obstacle…
- Erotic Action Movie, where you create a sexy movie script where you cast him as the dashing hero
- Verbal Viagra, where you send him scorchingly explicit text messages in real time
- The No-Touch Lay, where you use the power of shared memory to stoke his sexual fires
- The Lust Mirror, where you create a feedback loop of desire using just your words
All of these techniques work great without even taking off one article of clothing. Or you can combine it with the Invisible Chastity Belt, where you explore each other’s bodies going everywhere except “all the way.”
2. Remain compassionate
When our bodies don’t cooperate, it’s natural to feel frustrated. We can be mad at ourselves and we can also become frustrated with our partners, no matter whose body is actually having the issue.
That may sound weird but it’s common that we take our partner’s body not cooperating personally. Take ED, for example.
There are lots of women who take a man’s inability to get an erection personally. We’ve been sort of conditioned to think that a man’s erection is the automatic response and reflection of his sexual attraction to us. And a lot of women incorrectly presume that no boner = no attraction.
And in most cases, that actually couldn’t be further from the truth!
I want you to imagine for a second what that must feel like to be a man. Actually, wait, first let’s talk about us. Because sex for us? It can generally “work” even if our systems aren’t cooperating fully. We can still have intercourse whether we are super horny or not. We can grab some lube and be ready to go. Now, some guys may take it personally that he couldn’t get you “wet,” but you know that your body doesn’t always cooperate in that way, and you can allay his concerns.
But back to thinking about what intercourse is for a man. His penis needs to respond with an erection in order for intercourse to take place.
That’s a lot of pressure, right?
And imagine if, for reasons completely beyond your control, an erection just wasn’t happening. AND remember just how much importance most men place on their penis, how closely it’s tied to their identity as men. So think for a moment about how much erectile dysfunction can affect a man’s psyche, ego, and mood.
The absolute WORST thing you could do when faced with this situation is to blame him or accuse him of not being attracted to you. Because believe me, he wants nothing more than to be able to penetrate you with a rock hard erect penis right that very second.
Except he can’t.
So a moment with an uncooperative penis is really an opportunity to show your man how much you love and accept him and DESIRE him no matter how temperamental his little soldier may be.
Let him know that he is so much more than just his erection. And your attraction to him and sexual satisfaction don’t hinge solely on having intercourse. As we talked about above, there are lots of other ways to enjoy your sexual connection. So make a few suggestions and have fun!
