Coaching and Being Coached PDF
We talked about bringing up difficult subjects in the previous lesson, Is there an Elephant in Your Bedroom. Now I’m going to teach you about coaching your partner when it comes to sex.
This can happen during sex but also can take place outside of the bedroom, too.
Giving information to our partner about precise techniques to drive us wild (a little to the left, a little softer, right there!) is part of what coaching is about. It’s also about providing encouragement along with the pointers. What a good coach does is instill confidence while teaching and nudging their subject to improvement.
First, learn to be coachable yourself
In order to be coachable, you need to decide to put your ego to the side. It is easy to take it personally when your lover offers critiques or pointers. For most of us, sex is something that makes us feel vulnerable, and nobody wants to hear that their technique could use improvment.
Listen to what your partner has to tell you. He is giving you priceless advice on how to please him sexually. Paying attention to this information—without getting defensive or presuming you know better—is the key here.
So remain humble. Take this information as the gift that it is. Remember, it’s likely that you have needed to coach him a little bit on the specific ways to make your body respond. So this is the exact same thing. His body and sex drive are unique to him. What worked with a past lover might not be the magic that works with him.
Also, as we grow and evolve, it’s natural to assume that our tastes can change. He might want to try something in a new way. Which isn’t a reflection on your skill as a lover at all. Be open to new ideas and you will both have fun! 🙂
How to coach him
Even if your man has an aura of supreme confidence, one of his biggest concerns sexually is that you think he’s great in bed. He’s also concerned about how long he lasts and whether you think his penis size is adequate. But back to the first concern… he wants you to think he’s a fantastic lover.
But he can’t get there by reading your mind. This is where you step in with some coaching.
In the moment…
Be the GPS to your body
Giving him some specific directions is just fine, letting him know exactly what/where you want it isn’t pushy, it shows that you are engaged.
Redirect when necessary
You can ask him to change speed or force. And you can also gently move a hand or mouth to a better spot.
Give enthusiastic feedback
Use your Madonna Moan from LoD when he’s rocking your world! Let him know how great it feels.
Outside of the bedroom…
Debrief with the good
Tell him what felt amazing and the exact ways he pleased you. Remember that your man has a strong need to know he sexually satisfies you. So make sure to give positive reinforcement on the things you really enjoyed.
Frame it positively
When suggesting something different, frame it as “next time, I’d love to try ____” or “I think it would feel really wonderful if you tried ____.”
This makes him feel like you are including him in the ideas for new moves to try out. It also avoids making him feel like he didn’t do a good job pleasing you.
And while most men respond well to direct information, you can also make subtle suggestions via the techniques you learned in Language of Desire. Including specific directions in your texts, when planting desire seeds, or even in an Erotic Action Movie can spur him to make game time adjustments.
