As you’ve learned, talking about your erotic fantasies takes some time. It also takes a willingness to be open-minded and to sometimes read between the lines a little bit.
For example, even if he doesn’t directly tell you about a specific role play scene he wants to act out, you can figure out what he likes by paying attention to the types of erotica (i.e. porn) that he likes as well as suggestions he makes for lingerie or even Halloween costumes.
But open conversations, where both of you feel free to share your turn-ons and sexy ideas to explore, are a much more efficient route to getting the information.
Hopefully by now the idea of engaging in this kind of sharing doesn’t freak you out. I admit, it can take awhile to warm up to actually getting to this level of sharing. It can feel uncomfortable to reveal this side of your sexual imagination to your partner. A lot of people simply don’t like talking about sex. Having adventurous sex is not a problem, but talking about it is.
So if that sounds like you or your partner, just know that you aren’t alone.
In this lesson, I am going to walk you through how to get comfortable having revealing, vulnerable, and intimate conversations to explore your deep fantasies with your partner.
There are reasons that I encourage you to talk about your fantasies
1. You get them met
Hoping your partner can mind-read or guess your turn-ons runs the risk of him not meeting them. Pretty simple.
2. It brings you closer
Sharing the vulnerable and personal sides to your sexuality that you haven’t shared with anyone else increases your emotional intimacy. Accepting this very private side of your partner is a bit of a sacred trust. This isn’t good fodder for girls night out gossip, either. Treat this information confidentially just between the two of you.
3. Talking about fantasies fans the flames
Remember in LoD where we talked about how our sex lives get stale? And how introducing novelty causes a rush of hormones that amp up arousal? Well, this falls into that category, even if you only go so far as talking about fantasies and don’t actually act on them. Just sharing them will have a positive effect on your brain chemistry and desire levels for each other.
But first, some words of caution…
Caution #1: Remember that sexual fantasies should not be taken personally
For instance, if your partner reveals he’s always fantasized about a woman with long blond hair giving him a blow job… and you have short brown hair… don’t take that to mean he’s not attracted to you. Or if you fantasize about making love with a nameless stranger in a dark corridor, that doesn’t mean your man isn’t satisfying you.
Or if your guy tells you about a particularly explicit idea that turns him on… but turns you off… don’t stress that he’ll be sexually unfulfilled if you don’t act it out. Remember, there are many ways to engage your imaginations that don’t mean literally acting out every nuance of a scene.
Caution #2: And it’s perfectly okay for a fantasy to remain private
Don’t expect, and certainly never demand, that he shares every single fantasy he has with you. And you are entitled to keep some of your fantasies private as well. There is no rule that says in order to be super duper close you have to reveal every single thing you think about to your partner. Every person has the right to keep some things totally to themselves. A sexual fantasy (and I’m talking one that remains in the brain, not acted out secretly without your partner’s knowledge) may be so intensely private—even confusing or embarrassing—that you never share it with anyone. That is normal and doesn’t detract from the love or intimacy you share.
However, sometimes for some people, a sexual fantasy can interfere with your sex life. If you do find that a particular fantasy has you preoccupied to the point that you can’t perform sexually or you avoid intimacy because of it, by all means talk to a therapist or counselor to get professional assistance to work through it.
Step 1: Get Connected to Yourself
You might be one of those women who already knows exactly what your fantasies are. You can recall them easily and vividly describe them, too. That’s awesome!
However, if you aren’t totally sure what your fantasies are, it’s okay.
Some of us only get glimpses or flashes in our minds. A fantasy might not even be a fully detailed scene with a beginning, middle, and end. Sometimes it can be disjointed visuals, sounds, or ideas that aren’t cohesive. They might not even make sense.
Also, erotic fantasies can be wrapped in shame or self-judgment. Where our sexual brains go can be very different than what we’d actually act out. And that can create a mental block for some people. Remember that fantasies aren’t reflective of our morals or values. And a lot of fantasies are more symbolic in nature than literal. Just because we fantasize about something doesn’t mean we actually want to experience it in real life.
So if you struggle with thinking about what your “fantasies” are and how you’d explain them to your partner, here is what I want you to do.
1. Carve out some time to get relaxed and in tune with yourself, ideally alone and without interruption. Light some candles, play music, relax… do whatever feels nice and sensual. And allow your mind to wander. Think about things that you find sexy. Imagine what you’d like to try or experiment with. Don’t think literally at this point… meaning, don’t worry about logistics or details or how exactly you’d even bring the fantasy to life.
2. Use some affirmations if you feel stuck.
Saying and writing these phrases can work wonders:
- I am a sexually confident and beautiful woman.
- I feel free to express my sexuality.
- I am in touch with my sexual desires.
- I am a sensual and sexual woman.
- I have a creative sexual appetite.
- My fantasies enhance my desires.
Write these down in your journal and read them aloud.
3. Don’t stress if you draw a blank. Your fantasies will surface, I promise. They just might not show up right when you want them to. Be patient with yourself. You might find that they show up in your dreams or when you are super relaxed. Sometimes they can even pop into your head totally randomly, like during a work meeting or something completely not sexy. Also, don’t think you’ve turned into a sex-crazed nympho if your fantasies start increasing. The more you focus your creative imagination, the more stimulated it becomes.
As you start to become aware of your erotic desires, write them down in your journal. You can then start to fill in the details and create a story with a beginning, middle, and end. This comes into play later in Step Three when you decide to act things out with your partner.
Step 2: Communicate
Now that you’ve gotten more in touch with yourself, it’s time to have a conversation and share with your man.
There are a variety of ways to broach the subject. Some people find it most natural and comfortable to talk about sex right after being intimate. Your guard is down and you are feeling connected, so it’s a great setting to talk about sex.
And it’s perfectly okay to have this kind of conversation in a more neutral setting, like over dinner. And don’t forget that talking about fantasies via text message can make it easier to share and it also can act as a sexy type of foreplay.
Here are some ways to start the conversation…
- Simply ask him if he has any fantasies or things he’s interested in trying with you.
- Ask him to share a secret fantasy and you will share one of yours.
- Tell him you’d like to know how you can please him and wonder if he has any hidden desires he’d like to try.
- Ask him if he’s had any erotic dreams. Remember, our dreams can reveal a lot about us. Also, framing it as a “dream” makes it feel safer to share.
Make sure to listen and be open-minded. His fantasy isn’t a reflection on how much he enjoys your sex life! And exploring new ways of sharing physical pleasure strengthens your bond.
If what he shares crosses a boundary or is something you find initially unappealing, again, stay open-minded. You are just talking and sharing right now, which is a big step away from actually acting it out. So listen, ask questions, and communicate your fantasies, too.
Make these kinds of conversations a regular event. As new erotic ideas pop into your head, tell him! And make a point of asking him if he’s thought of any new spicy things, too.
Step 3: Action!!
One of the reasons, though not the entire reason, for revealing your fantasies to each other is to bring them to life and experience them together.
This doesn’t mean that you have to literally act out every detail in order to bring it to life. For instance, if your fantasy involves a muscle-bound warrior to save you from the mouth of a fire-breathing dragon and carry you off to his cave where he makes tender love to you… you don’t have to go find a fire-breathing dragon and a cave to make it happen.
Our imaginations are the most powerful sexual tool we have.
We can use the power of imagination and make-believe to indulge in all manner of sexual fantasy.
Using props and accessories like lighting, music, costumes, and background visuals like movies, we can recreate pretty much anything our brains come up with.
I am also a huge fan of role-playing. Getting into character is one way to role play. And this doesn’t even mean costumes… it can sometimes be as simple as the words you say to bring things alive in exciting ways.
And don’t forget, you can also use a technique like the Erotic Action Movie from LoD to role play, too. Write out your fantasy like a movie script and share it that way.
Changing the setting by going to a different location works, too. This can be anything from a different room in the house to staying the night at a hotel to going on vacation.
If a fantasy is something that one of you is not turned on by—or afraid or unsure of—talk it through.
Let me explain.
Sex in public is a very common fantasy. The risk of possibly getting caught is a HUGE turn on. But obviously, not everyone is brave enough to go through with it. At least not at the spur of the moment.
So you can talk through and think through how to mitigate some of the risk. Say your fantasy involves having sex outdoors. You could do this by sneaking out to your backyard one night and getting busy. Not exactly the same as sex at a state park, but there is still some risk of getting caught.
Or if your fantasy involves having sex at work, make plans to meet at the very end of the day. When the office is empty, lock the door and go at it.
Maybe you are turned on by the idea of getting picked up by a stranger and having a one night stand. Make plans to “randomly” meet at a cocktail lounge. Act is if you’ve just met. Flirt wildly and accept the bold proposition from this “stranger.”
A common fantasy that men have (that freak a lot of women out) is to make a sex tape. We’ve all seen the celebrity sex tapes that get “leaked,” and it is completely understandable to say NO WAY to video. Most people shudder at the idea of their sexcapades being viewed by complete strangers if the video ends up online. And honestly… there are lots of scenarios that can lead to that bit of footage getting shared widely these days.
However, you can still bring the sex tape fantasy to life.
You set it all up, camera and everything, and just not hit record.
Bringing a tripod and camera into the bedroom and acting as if you are being filmed is very arousing. It’s enough to make the fantasy feel real… without the risk.
With just a little bit of creativity and planning, you can bring even complicated fantasies to life.
When you are at the stage of deciding how to bring the fantasy to life, grab your journal and list out your ideas.
Think about what is at the heart of the fantasy.
Is it about…
- domination/submission
- risk of getting caught
- a specific sex act or position
- a particular place
- romance or being the “hero”
From there, think about the details…
- Dress/attire
- Location
- Setting/mood
- Props and accessories
- Character/roles and how to act/speak
Thinking through the details that your partner has shared (or that you’ve added to enhance the fantasy) will have you on your way to experimenting and having fun together 🙂
