In every relationship, your sexual connection will have highs and lows. Once you move past the honeymoon phase in your relationship, a more sustainable pattern of frequency will develop. Because most people slow down from the hot-n-heavy stuff that happens in the beginning. Along with a slower pace, each person can experience variations in libido. This happens naturally as each person has different stressors and other life “stuff” that impacts their sex drive.
When a couple is experiencing a difference in sex drives, it can certainly negatively affect the relationship. In the worst case scenario, one partner has a high libido while the other has a low libido. Your specific situation may not be extreme, but no doubt you’ve probably dealt with a time where one of you wanted sex a lot more than the other.
If that difference is ignored it can actually be detrimental to your connection. I talk about a lot of creative ways to spark attraction using brain chemistry and triggers in Language of Desire, but let’s talk more specifically about how to handle a libido gap.
First off, I have to bring up the importance of boundaries and consent. It’s NEVER okay to force your partner to engage in sexual activity. Ever.
Okay, now that we’ve covered that, let’s cover what to do… and not to do… when you have mismatched libidos.
1. Stop begging, cajoling, guilting, or blaming
All of this breeds resentment, which pushes you further apart. Of course it’s frustrating to not have your sexual needs met. And it may seem that the low libido partner is content in your no-sex life. But chances are, he or she is feeling the stress of lack of physical intimacy, too. So the first step is to step back from making the situation worse with your words.
2. Enjoy sensual touch, with no expectation of sex
The pleasure of skin to skin touch is actually more than a feel-good thing… humans have a biological need for touch. It helps us feel connected, loved, and accepted. When our sex drives disappear, the idea of massage or sensual touch is taken off the table, too. For the low libido partner, it might feel like risky business: If I allow him to touch or massage me, he’s going to expect sex.
So the goal here is to simply enjoy some skin to skin contact. Agree ahead of time there is no expectation for it to lead to intercourse. And you can define the boundaries on your bodies you’ll be touching. Take turns and just focus on how good it feels to be in contact in this intimate way.
The low libido partner might be feeling non-sexual due to stress. It’s quite possible with the pressure of sex removed, that through enjoyable touch, he or she may find their sexual desire comes back. In which case, proceed as you both want! Just because you said “no sex” doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind later.
If the exercise just stays non-sexual, the high libido partner might find themselves all horny with nowhere to go. So take matters into your own hands! Masturbating is a healthy and logical next step. Your partner may even want to watch.
3. Cool it off, heat it up
If you are the high libido partner, you can cool your desires a bit to be closer in sync with your partner. For example, if you get turned on by fantasizing or reading/watching erotic material, take a break from that. Not forever, but for the time being. It’s only frustrating to get all worked up and horny. Go for a run, weed the garden, or walk the dog. Do something else in place of indulging in your sexual imagination.
If you are the low libido partner, you need to make an effort to heat your sexual fires up. This isn’t easy when sex is the furthest thing from your mind. So you might have to be totally uninspired and set a few reminders “look at hot naked people” in your calendar.
But think of the images, music, movies, and other items you generally find sexy and that turn you on. Make a point of consuming these items a few times a week. It can work wonders for bringing back a waning sex drive.
4. Encourage masturbation
As I said above, masturbation is a great way for the high libido partner to get some release. I know some of you reading this aren’t totally comfortable with the idea of your partner masturbating, but letting him or her know that you encourage it can help the situation. You could even purchase a vibrator or bottle of lube for your high libido mate.
And if you are the low libido partner, while you are doing your scheduled heat-it-up exercises, let your hands do some wandering. Orgasm has healing properties and is a great stress reliever. And the more often you enjoy orgasm, well, the more you desire it.
5. Say yes
For the high libido partner, you need to ask your mate how you can help them feel connected to you. And say yes to it. It might be as far removed from the bedroom as mowing the lawn. It may be a good scalp massage. It could be a sweet cuddle session on the couch while watching a movie. But listen to what they tell you and respond.
For the low libido partner, I am going to ask you to agree to having sex. Am I contradicting my above statement about boundaries and consent? Absolutely not. But sometimes, when it comes to a diminished sex drive, it’s like riding a bicycle. It may feel like you haven’t done it in years… and it may not sound fun at all. However, once you get into actually doing it, you will likely find that your body knows just what to do… and you do enjoy it. And think about it from the “pleasing your partner” standpoint. It isn’t giving in, it’s providing him or her with pleasure. When you approach it from that point of view, it makes it easier to say yes.
6. In the meantime…
Know that for most couples, libidos will eventually shift directions and you will likely find yourselves more in sync and back to enjoying regular rounds of the horizontal mambo. But until you reach that place, make sure to still take time to connect and enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom. Go on dates, try out new hobbies, cook together, and make time to talk. All of those things will help you to stay connected through this mismatched sex drive phase.
